Post
by Soapy » 02 Dec 2025, 08:50
Season 4, Episode 5
Connie sat curled into the corner of the couch today, legs tucked under her, hoodie sleeves pulled over her hands. She looked tired, but not in a defeated way — more like she’d been carrying something around all week and finally set it down.
“I didn’t go,” she said before Mendel could even ask.
Dr. Mendel didn’t react, not with surprise or approval. She just turned her pen between her fingers. “You’d been thinking about it.”
“I know.” Connie chewed her lip. “And then when it got close, I just… I don’t know. I froze. I kept picturing him on the field and it felt—too much."
Mendel nodded, slow. “Too much… what?”
Connie hesitated. “Too much like I wouldn’t be able to trust myself.”
Mendel didn’t rush the next question. “Trust yourself to do what?”
Connie stared at the carpet. “React. Feel things. Like—what if I saw him and it all came back? Not even in a dramatic way. Just… in my face. On my face. And Eli would be right there.”
Mendel waited. “And he doesn’t know.”
“No.” Connie tugged at a loose thread.
Mendel’s voice stayed soft, neutral. “You were afraid your partner would see something you’re not ready to explain.”
Connie nodded quickly, like she wanted to get the agreement out before she changed her mind. “Yeah. Exactly. Because if I’m sitting there, and Brice is down on the field, and something in me… flinches?” She shook her head. “Eli notices everything. He’d ask. And I don’t know how to talk about any of that without feeling like I’m just undoing all the work I’ve been doing to get over this.”
Mendel let that settle. “Does avoiding the game feel like protection?”
“A little.” Connie’s voice got small. “And a little like running.”
“What were you running from?” Mendel asked.
Connie swallowed. “The version of me that still feels something when it comes to him. Even if it’s not love. Even if it’s not… that. It’s history. It’s guilt. It’s whatever the hell it is that makes my stomach twist when someone mentions his name or watch his game from my phone in a bathroom like some creep.”
Mendel tapped her pen once against her notepad. “And you didn’t trust that version of you to stay quiet.”
Connie blinked, eyes glossy. “No. I didn’t trust her at all.”
Mendel leaned back. “Is she dangerous?”
Connie frowned. “I don’t think so.”
“Is she dishonest?”
“No.”
“Is she trying to hurt Eli?”
Connie shook her head again, slower this time. “No. She’s just… scared.”
Mendel offered a small, almost invisible smile. “Then maybe the goal isn’t to silence her. Maybe it’s to get curious about her. She’s carrying something you haven’t finished putting down.”
Connie sat with that, the words landing heavier than she expected. “It just feels like every time I get close to moving forward, something drags me back.”
Mendel scribbled something, then looked up. “Moving forward doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen. It means not letting it dictate your choices without your permission.”
Connie let out a breath. “I’m not there yet.”
“You don’t have to be,” Mendel said. “You showed yourself something important by not going. Now the question is why that felt safer. And what you need so that, eventually, you won’t have to hide from your own reactions.”
Connie’s eyes softened. “That sounds like a lot.”
“It is,” Mendel said gently. “But it’s also how people start telling the truth to themselves.”
…
Brice slouched into the chair the way he always did, like he was settling in to watch film, not talk about feelings.
LaPenna didn’t comment on it. He never did.
“You watched the game yet?” Brice asked, like he was starting the session on his terms.
“I saw parts,” LaPenna said. “I imagine you’ve seen it a few times."
Brice smirked. “Yeah. A couple times.”
There was a beat. LaPenna waited.
“So?” he asked. “How’d it feel, playing against that team?"
Brice shrugged. “It was a good game."
LaPenna raised an eyebrow. “Any other game.”
He shifted, catching the implication. “Look, everyone keeps acting like this Notre Dame thing was some emotional Super Bowl for me. It wasn’t.” He leaned back, cracking his knuckles. “I played hard. I talked some shit. We took a team that’s supposed to be one of the best in the country into the fourth quarter and had a chance to win until the end."
“You talked some shit?” his tone stayed even.
“Yeah,” he almost laughed. “I mean, yeah, it’s football. Get the guys going, make sure nobody’s sleep walking out there."
LaPenna watched him. “It gets you going too.”
“I guess,” Brice gestured vaguely, "It’s part of being a leader, you know, making sure your guys are with you and locked in."
“So you talking trash is leadership,” he repeated, not mocking, just turning the phrase over.
Brice frowned a little, like he could already feel him steering the wheel.
“It is,” he insisted, "Look, I know everyone thinks I’m this fucking mad man but I know that line and I straddle it, pause, and then it gets me going, helps me lock the fuck in."
LaPenna nodded once, as if he was simply taking inventory. “So the things you say out loud—to them—are really meant for you.”
Brice opened his mouth, closed it, then huffed. “I mean… yeah. Sometimes. It’s like… I don’t know. What’s that thing called, actualization? You keep telling the other team they suck, they might believe it. You remind them who they are and you remind yourself, your teammates, who they are too.”
LaPenna didn’t move, but something in his attention sharpened.
“And do you need to tell yourself?” she asked.
Brice stiffened. “Everyone does.”
“Do they?”
He exhaled through his nose, annoyed. “You’re doing that thing again.”
“What thing?”
“Where you try to make everything sound deeper than it is.”
LaPenna let the silence stretch just long enough to make the point that he wasn’t the one making it deep.
“Brice,” he said gently, “There’s a myriad of things that trash talking can be; fun, engaging, competitive but you described something else — almost like… self-coaching.”
“It’s part of the game,” Brice said quickly. “All the greats do it.”
“Do they?” he asked again, same tone, same softness.
Brice’s jaw worked. “Look, you don’t get it. When you’re out there, and everything’s loud, and you feel everyone waiting to see if you’re gonna fuck up—”
He stopped, realized he’d said too much, looked away.
“You gotta make yourself bigger. Louder. So the nerves don’t… I don’t know. Take over.”
LaPenna stayed still. “So it’s not always confidence.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“No,” he said, “But you said the nerves are there.”
Brice clenched and unclenched his fist. “Every quarterback gets nerves. You’re going to have a shitty game if you’re not nervous.”
“That isn’t what you told yourself on the field.”
He didn’t answer.
“Is it hard,” LaPenna continued gently, “to let yourself admit that the confidence isn’t always there? Even privately?”
Brice swallowed. Looked at the floor. “I don’t… I’m not tryna dissect it like that.”
“I know,” he said. “But you’re doing it anyway.”
He let out a small, reluctant laugh. “Guess you always find a way to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Get in my head.”
LaPenna smiled. “I don’t want to get in your head, Brice. I want you to hear what’s already in there.”
He frowned at that, like he wasn’t sure if he found it insightful or irritating.
He added, “You handled the moment better than you would’ve a month ago.”
He blinked, surprised. “Really?”
“Yes.” he nodded. “You didn’t spiral. You didn’t shut down. You didn’t avoid what happened on the field, even though I can tell part of you wants to.”
Brice sat up slightly, caught between pride and discomfort.
“Look,” he said, needing the last word, “I’m fine. Notre Dame—this whole thing—it didn’t get to me. I wasn’t emotional. I wasn’t controlled by it.”
LaPenna waited.
“It was just another game,” he said finally. “And I’m not gonna let emotions control me.”
He didn’t say anything, but the quiet acknowledgment in his eyes suggested he heard both the conviction — and the tiny, trembling thread beneath it.
And Brice, without realizing it, was hearing it too.
…
Brice closed the door with a satisfied grin on his face, heeding Artie’s advice to limit his “home games” going forward. His roommate was right. As he exited her dorm and glanced at his phone, the text thread already working on another encounter for the night. His body ached with every step toward the staircase, but the temporary dopamine—and the prospect of more—pushed him through it. He stuffed his phone into his pocket, plans locked in for the rest of the evening.
“I can’t say I’m surprised.”
He recognized the voice instantly. He turned to see her holding a white laundry basket in front of her, leaning back to keep its weight balanced against her chest. A smile crept across his face as he walked toward her. “Get that for you?”
Mel paused before handing it over. The relief came immediately as Brice lifted it out of her arms with no effort at all. She seemed suddenly aware of how much bigger he was than her.
“What do you mean by that?” Brice asked as they started down the steps. He let himself fall a few steps behind her—her body reminding him of Connie’s when she’d put on pregnancy weight in all the right places. Brice had loved it and told her as much, but she’d shed it quickly after—depression, borderline psychosis, and all that.
“You know exactly what I mean,” Mel scoffed as they headed toward the laundry room.
“We were studying,” Brice teased. “I’m a great tutor, you know.”
“I’m sure you are,” she said, holding the door open to the terrace that separated the dorm from the laundry building. “I saw you at that event last week.”
“Now who’s stalking who?”
“Clearly you,” she laughed, opening the next door into the laundry room. “I thought you were lost for a second.”
“Why? Because I’m white?” Brice let out a wry chuckle.
“Exactly. You must be confused or something.”
She took the basket back and set it on an empty table. The laundry room was empty—one of the perks of waiting until nightfall, a habit she’d learned over the years. She began separating whites from colors, the irony lost on both of them. “Or are you trying to show your teammates you’re down for the cause?”
“I’m just appreciative of Black culture,” Brice shrugged. “Especially the women.”
“You’re exhausting,” she shook her head. “You people love to come here, make a few Black friends, learn a couple TikTok dances and some rap lyrics, and get to cosplay as some nigga from Gary before going back to Terre Haute and being the good little white boy your daddy raised you to be.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Brice held his hands up, laughing. “I’m from South Bend. Get it right.”
“You might actually be too dumb for me to get mad at you.” Mel tried—and failed—to keep a smile from creeping onto her face.
“How could you be mad at this beautiful face?” Brice said, propping his chin on his palm.
“Keep it moving, white boy,” she scoffed and shooed him with her hands, "Your services are no longer needed."
“See you around,” he smirked, heading for the door.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said without looking up from the clothes in front of her. “Thanks for the help.”